“You Don’t Suit Black Men” – The Challenges of Dating Your Own Race.

“Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in.”

– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I’m no Coretta Scott King but I’m certainly no Erykah Badu either. I would say that my personality, ideologies and all that in between flirts within the realm of bohemianism or even the radical Left but still not quite a fully fledge member; I still keep one foot buried firmly on the ground of innocuous, mundane, sensible living. I am fiercely and unapologetically independent (not by choice but as a result of my upbringing and current circumstances). I love to wander the globe alone, don’t follow any particular religious beliefs, consider myself a liberal but equally suspicious of Liberal Elitism. I work in a competitive financial corporate setting but at the heart of it, all I want to do is save the world from AIDS, gender violence and social injustice.

This all sounds like an incongruous excerpt from my bio of a dating website right? But no, they are fundamental truths of who I am. And I love these things about me; a host of contradictions that still somewhat seem to work. Yet these very same things make me wonder if I am giving off a radar that screams ‘I DON’T DATE BLACK MEN’?

I’ve heard it all throughout my life ‘You don’t suit Black men’, ‘I see you more with a White guy’, ‘I can’t imagine you with an African guy’ etc. Always I shrugged it off but increasingly I began to wonder, am I too radical / care-free for my fellow Black, and more specifically, African male counterparts?

I have always been led to believe that African men, including the first/second generation born in the West, want a woman that is, a Proverbs 31 (or the Muslim equivalent), conservative, fertile, demure woman who happens to be a mean cook and have a big butt. You know like, you guessed it, Coretta Scott King (I think it’s safe to assume that she was a good cook).

I have met many interesting and wonderful Black men but more often than not the men that I think I am the most compatible with either don’t date Black women (literally, a flat out refusal to date Black women), or are gay (ha, I don’t make a habit of fancying gay men). Then there are the guys which I see often; a conservative man who holds very strong views based on traditional gender roles and want to mould me into what a woman OUGHT to be. Oh and then there are the lowly ambitious roadmen…NEXT!

I eventually came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn’t marry an African man because I would not find one who shares the same quasi-hippie outlook on life as I do. Sometimes this still bothers me. Thankfully the older I get and the more comfortable I am with myself, the more I genuinely believe I have much to offer any man, even if I may not meet the conservative standard of what it means to be a demure woman that so many Black / African men hold.

So as I continue this journey of singlehood I know that I will attract the person I am supposed to attract. I will continue to be me, and with discernment will hopefully attract the love of my life; be it African, Caribbean, Morris Chestnut, White, Asian or anything else.

One thing is for certain, being a non-conformist can be a lonely bitch!

Let me know your thoughts when it to finding love from your own race.

9 comments

    • As a black european i do like your post, i find it hard myself to date a black woman. Perhaps My free lifestyle just doesn’t suit them or me dancing salsa and rest, make them feel as if i am wasting my time. But one thing i would tell you, as you mentioned keep being yourself always. By Alexander P.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hi, thanks for reading, you know I did (and still do) believe that Caribbeans are a little more liberal than the average African. I’ve met many free-spirited, unconventional Black people who are almost always from the U.S or the Caribbean, and very rarely from the African continent. Either way it’s certainly not a bad thing, but I always fear that I will scare my future mother-in-law with my liberal attitude about gender roles, religion and travelling lol. After all I battle with these themes within my own family.

    What do you think?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Interesting read! I am about to start reading Chimamanda´s books (need to finish my thesis first, otherwise I´ll never be done with my degree, omg), which I got from my sister´s boyfriend – who is Nigerian. My sister and me are from Slovakia, yet we never got lucky (or in love, actually) with slovak men. The more I travel, the less I feel comfortable about the slovak gender culture (if that is even a word). I am freshly and happily married to a Colombian man that I met traveling and as far as I know, there is a huge difference between Colombian black men and Nigerian (don´t want to say African because I didn´t really meet many other ppl from other countries in Africa…hard to generalize)…for instance, my sisters boyfriends mother seems very annoyed with the fact that he cooks for her and such stuff (which, if I may say, is ridiculous) and makes comments on my sister not behaving as a good woman…ufff. It is especially difficult when he talks with his mother and then requires some stuff from her which she is not used to provide – not that she would not like to cook for him (we have a proverb – love goes through the stomach) but it is not something that she should be forced to do…
    Anyway, her boyfriend is quite multi-cultural – have lived in UK and Germany…and we love him very much for being kind and funny and helpful and all that, him requiring warm dinners is not his only personality feature, obviously 🙂 Aaand god knows where I wanted to get with this post. Ehm. I´m looking forward to reading more of your thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Firstly, yes do read Chimamanda’s books, she’s amazing! Secondly, thank you for the insight in your life. I have a few friends who also share the same sentiments about their men/ women back home once they travel or live somewhere else. Thanks for sharing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I really enjoyed reading this post! I used to date asian men in the UK but despite how “British” they were, I always found their ways and thinking surprisingly very conservative unlike me who’s a free spirit, open minded and will pretty much do what I feel like doing most of the time. Most of them couldn’t handle me, and for a second, I thought maybe there was a problem with me – maybe I was too outgoing, sociable, maybe my dreams were too ambitious.

    Then I met my Colombian boyfriend whilst traveling. He grew up on the Caribbean coast, his ethnicity is a mixture of African, Spanish, Dutch and indigenous indian. First serious man outside my race and we’re like a match made in heaven. He loves me for who I am and we have so much fun together. When you do more of the things you love, you attract like minded people. So keep doing what you do, travel, eat good food, stay positive and the right man will come along, whatever his race may be…. maybe you’ll find someone in Colombia 😉 haha

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve always said I wanted a Colombian man ha! Tank you so much for your comments, I know this issue is present with many people of different races. And like you I thought that there was something wrong with me also. Definitely agree that as long as you keep doing the things that make you happy, you will find the right person for you, regardless of race.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

      Like

  4. Being a non-conformist can definitely be a lonely bitch, but there’s so many decent guys out there. Don’t give up!

    Also, there’s a book that might be relevant called Black Macho and the Myth of the Superwoman by Michele Wallace from the late 70s. It argues that black men within the Civil Rights Movement have adopted a harmful idea of masculinity from white society, reinforcing a divide between black women and men. It’s a very sympathetic book, explaining how slavery and its aftermath influenced this situation, but it’s aimed very squarely at guys who – as you say – ‘don’t date black women’. Might be worth checking out. I’d imagine they have it at Housmans.

    (checked and yeah it’s on Hive: http://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Michele-Wallace/Black-Macho-and-the-Myth-of-the-Superwoman/17136977)

    Like

    • Hi Ana, thanks for reading and your comment. I’m always open to reading different material, so will check it out. I used to be despondent about dating, but I think now, I’m so comfortable and happy with myself I won’t change just to not be single. I trust that there is someone out there for everyone including me 🙂

      Like

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